Game Review: Resident Evil 4



Just finished this one today. Good LAWD it's a long slog, but fun. It's an RPG/Adventure/Crawler/Horror-Survivor funfest which finds Agent Leon Kennedy fending off an army of Spanish CHUDS in a quest to save the President's daughter. It's fun, well-paced and beautifully cinematic.

However, like all good zombie stories, it doesn't make a lick of freakin' sense. First off, this "small Spanish villiage" is about the size of Manhattan and is laid out like an Easter egg hunt on a Bond Villain's estate.

Zombies are not typically well-known for their attention to detail. So laying out a zombie base with a network of hidden keys, switches and pulleys just for getting around doesn't seem like a great idea.

Also there's this merchant who appears throughout the game to sell you first aid, ammo, weapons, armor, etc. The question is, if this guy can just saunter through the zombie compound armed to the teeth, why not let HIM escort the president's daughter out while you draw fire?

Also, Leon can cross a river of molten lava by hopping from one flaming barrel of tar to another, but he can't hop over a picket fence. And chain link? Fughetaboudit...might as well be thirty inches of concrete.

All of this has given me an idea for a new game. It's called: The Muffin in Leon's Driveway

You play Agent Leon. As the game opens, you're on your way to a crucial meeting at the NSA when you find that agents either of a foreign government or maybe an evil corporation or perhaps Satan have placed a blueberry muffin in your driveway, blocking your car in your garage.

Now, your neighborhood is filled with cars, but for some reason, you can't touch them, let alone hotwire them.

Your only hope is to find the Fat Kid(tm) who lives in your 'hood and convince him to...eat the evil muffin.

Unfortunately, the fat kid is being held hostage in an impenetrable fortress by a possessed priest, a psychotic soldier and a mysterious woman in a red dress. What's that? You don't remember them building an impenetrable fortress in your neighborhood? That's what you get for not attending block meetings, Leon.

So, you hijack a helicopter, mow down an army of lookalike zombies, penetrate the impenetrable fortress, seduce the woman in red, assassinate the psychotic soldier, battle the possessed priest with an arsenal of supernatural weaponary you've collected along the way, rescue the fat kid and take him to...the evil muffin.

But! When you arrive, the kid tells you that a) he's on Atkins and b) he doesn't like blueberry muffins anyway. But, he'd be willing to consider eating...the evil muffin...if you put some butter on it.

Which only means one thing. It's time for Leon to visit...the SUPERMARKET OF DOOM!

And so on...

3.5 stars. Jason Bob sez, check it out.