My Own Private Scheider
1932-2008

"You're gonna need a bigger boat."
- Jaws

"Mugwump jism can't be beat."
- Naked Lunch

"I hate show business."
- All That Jazz


Roy Scheider died yesterday. I never met him, but it feels like losing a parent or a sibling.

Scheider brought a distinctiveness to the everyman: his emphatic insistence on logic, his bemused suffering of fools, the knowing glint in his eye.

He was the anti-Willem Dafoe. You can hardly go wrong in this life asking yourself: WWRSD?

So, without further delay, let me lay on you:

What Would Roy Scheider Do?

Jaws



You say there's a ginormous shark in the water? WWRSD?

Close the beaches and stay out of the water. It's really actually a deceptively easy problem to solve when you think about it. Big shark? Stay out of the water.

Here, let me draw you a diagram. This is the water over here. There's a shark in there. And this is you, acrooooooossssss the room and not in the water.

That's it. Problem solved.

What's that you say? This shark is approximately the size of an aircraft carrier?

Well, you know what kind of boat you're going to need. Don't make me say it. You know what kind of boat you're gonna need and I know what kind of boat you're gonna need so let's pretend I just said it and move on, shall we?

Blue Thunder



So, Malcolm McDowell is up to something. You're not sure what, but you know it's something. I mean, look at his face. It's Malcolm frickin' McDowell. You think he's NOT up to something?


If only you had some sort of low-profile surveillance technology. Some sort of ultra-easy-to-not-get-caught-at-using thing that you could not get caught using on him.

WWRSD? Use a helicopter!

The French Connection



So you're partnered with Gene Hackman and he's getting all the good lines. WWRSD? Live with it and hope The Seven-Ups doesn't suck.





Marathon Man



So you're a case officer handling security for a Nazi war criminal living in hiding in South America. Few jobs are as rewarding, it's true.

But then he decides to come to the United States and just, you know, start wandering around the diamond district in New York.

When you try to helpfully point out to him that there are, in fact, a good many Holocaust survivors living in that area, he stabs you in the fucking stomach.

Ouch. WWRSD?

Well, crawl to his clueless brother's rathole apartment and die right there, right on the rug. Because, you know, Nazi war criminals are trusting types who would never suspect your brother was involved in the case, Roy.

And they certainly won't torture him with dental tools. Hey, Roy, would William Devane lie to you?

Sorcerer



Okay, you've got an oil fire burning out of control. The nearest dynamite is miles away through dense jungle, over uneven roads and across what can only be described as a satirically rickety rope bridge over a raging river.

WWRSD? Pack it in a truck and drive, baby. Pack it in a truck and drive.

2010



Look, Jupiter is about to explode. I know we're having fun playing weightless games with Helen Mirren, but Jupiter is about to explode.

WWRSD?

Did you hear me? Jupiter. Is. About. To. Explode. Strap HAL onto that Soviet hunk of junk and haul for earth. Now.

I don't care if it'll look good on the cover of Pravda. You know what else looks good on the cover of Pravda? Not dying in the high atmosphere of an exploding planet looks good on the cover of Pravda.


All That Jazz



You say you have a charming little musical about the airline business? Yeah, that's pretty good. Let's give it to Roy and see what he thinks.

And finally, offered in memoriam, All That Jaws.



Jason Gideon sez: Roy Scheider was a great entertainer, a great humanitarian and my favorite movie dad for (mumble mumble) years. He will be missed.