300
2007
dir Zack Snyder




"Imagine a king who fights his own battles. Wouldn't that be a sight?"
- Achilles, Troy

"We are building a fighting force of extra-ordinary magnitude."
- Dr. Klahn, Fistful of Yen

"This isn't Lysistrata. I like it, but it isn't Lysistrata."
- Tom Servo, Manos, the Hands of Fate

"Follow your dreams. You can reach your goals. I'm living proof. BEEFCAKE!!!"
- Eric Cartman

Times of war inspire historical reverie. In crisis, we find comfort by looking back to other hard times, other leaders, other great causes, that we might better see ourselves reflected in history's mirror, as but one stitch in the great and inevitable tapestry.

This explains why there are so many characters on TV this year named 'Gaius.' Have you ever met anyone named 'Gaius?' No. But now we've got at least three.

300 tells the story of the three-hundred Spartan soldiers who held back the million-man Persian army at the Battle of Thermopylae.

While the story is simplistic, seen through the broad and less-than-nuanced filter of Frank Miller's machismo fetish, it provides no easy outs on the subject of war.

Leonidas is no cut-and-runner, it is true. And when the weasely cowardice and corruption of his lawmakers and priests forces him to meet Xerxes with a small, hand-picked contingent of 300 men, one can't help but think of George W. Bush's (almost) lone stand against Baghdad.

On the other hand, the movie shows Leonidas, raised from birth as a warrior, taking the subject of war seriously instead of treating it as a toy and leading his men himself instead of focusing on "other priorities."

In other words, there's something here for everyone.

So, is Bush Xerxes or Leonidas? As Leonidas himself might say, this is not Baghdad, this is not Washington, this is...SPAAAARTAAAA!!!

The film is beautifully shot and rendered in a graphic-novel stylization similar to Sin City (also by Miller.) At times the film seems like a Renaissance painting come to life.

The acting is less than subtle, but that's what the story calls for. And if you're looking for historical accuracy, well, you may have to forgive a few mutant ninja armies.

My main criticism of the film is, for all its beauty, there's really not much there there. Yes, the Persians are coming. Yes, you've got to make a stand at Thermopylae. No, you don't seem to have much choice. That lack of choice diminishes the impact of Leonidas' courage.

It's relatively easy to be brave when you're facing certain doom. The film does make an effort to show Leonidas anguishing over the decision to go to war against the orders of the clergy, and they do add a political subplot involving the queen (lest the film be a complete sausage festival), but these elements are all but overwhelmed by the screaming and stabbing.

This lack of emotional tone hits one bad bump in the road when a supporting character, weeping over the death of his son, complains to Leonidas that he "never told his son he loved him." It's a laugh line. It's not supposed to be, but it is. It seems absurd that these guys would get all "Cat's In The Cradle" after spending two hours strutting around in their little leather pants arguing over who's going to die the most glorious death.

Apocalypto had the opposite problem. It established appealing, rich characters that we could care about, given the chance, and then just tossed them into a meaningless chase movie after the first act.

Perhaps it's time for Mel and Frank to collaborate?

As we DANCE to the Masochism Tango!

Three stars, Jasonidas says, SPARTAAAAAAANS!!! YOU LOOK FABULOUS!!!!