The Dickies

"Dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick, dick."
"How many dicks is that?"
"A lot."
- Reservoir Dogs

"Pussies hate dicks, because dicks fuck pussies. But dicks also fuck assholes."
- Team America


The nominees for best performance on television by a dick are:

Hugh Laurie as Dr. Gregory House in House, MD.

House, MD. is a science fiction series set in an alternative universe where our medical care system is run by clean cut, dogged, dedicated, professionals who routinely run multi-thousand-dollar tests on vagrants with head colds.

Or, as a friend of mine recently put it, it's pornography for hypochondriacs.

Enter Dr. Gregory House. He's surly. He's unpleasant. He's unwashed. He gobbles vicodin like tic tacs. He's more interested in soap operas and video games than he is in human beings...unless they're vomiting blood, then he's all action.

Sherlock Holmes - cocaine + vicodin - the violin + a gameboy - Watson + Robert Sean Leonard - Moriarty + a hot boss - murder + disease = House!

Ted Danson as Arthur Frobisher in Damages.

Sometimes you want to go where everybody knows your name.

Other times, you want to go where you can pump and dump your own company's stock and get away with it.

And if you don't get away with it? Try intimidation. Try corrupting the plaintiff pool. Try bribery.

Try it all, Ted, because this is Planet Dick and you are our king!


Glenn Close as Patty Hewes in Damages.

Sometimes you have to fight dick with dick.

Remember, Patty, you're the lawyer here. Your clients don't need to know what your strategy is. You just need them to think they know what your strategy is.

And remember, Patty, you're the mother here, and if your son doesn't like it, you know people who know people who know people...if you know what you mean, and you always do.

David Duchovny as Hank Moody in Californication.

So, you've written a novel. So have a lot of people.
Yeah, but your novel has been published! That's great, fantastic, in fact!
Not much money in it, though.
Yeah, but it got turned into a movie!
Now, we're talking! What's the problem?
Oh, you kind of don't like the movie because they turned it into something accessible that people would actually want to see, hence increasing its profits and making you rich.

I can see where that would get you down.

Here's an idea, why don't you go to a dinner party at your ex wife's place and fuck one of her friends in the bedroom? If you really want to, you can vomit all over some of her artwork while you're at it.

Yeah, but what kind of person would do that kind of thing?

A dick. A big, swinging, David Duchovny Dick.

Rebecca DeMornay as Cissy Yost in John From Cincinnati.

Cissy Yost, is life getting you down? Are you seeing the sins of the hazy, drug fueled years you spent not raising your son visited upon your grandchild? Has your frustration with your useless Kahuna of a husband caused you to inappropriately loosen your sexual boundaries around your male offspring? Can I just say, "eww?" Has the guilt and the shame caused you to harden your exterior to the point where no one in their right mind would turn to you for the slightest comfort or tenderness?

Well, congratulations, Cissy! You're a dick!

Jon Hamm as Don Draper in Mad Men.

Suppose you have your boss over for dinner and he makes a drunken awkward pass at your wife while you're rummaging in the garage for more booze. Do you:

a) confront him in a gentle but firm manner?
b) ignore it and try to avoid drinking with him? Or...
c) pretend it didn't bother you and then march him up 23 flights of stairs after a six martini lunch so he can puke all over a high profile client?

If you answered c), then you just might be Don Draper, enigmatic uber-mensch, ad man, mad man and master of the dick universe!


And the winner is...

Rebecca DeMornay as Cissy Yost in John From Cincinnati!

All the nominees were great, but DeMornay's portrayal as the least mellow surf shop owner of all time truly stands out.

Where other TV dicks eventually show their softer side, by suffering an injury, falling in love or adopting a dog or a baby from Malawi (not a dog from Malawi...that's not safe), DeMornay's Yost matriarch never falters, never wanes, never deviates from her ball busting mission in life.

And it's due in no small part to the support of the rest of the cast. Her husband is a dick. Her son is a dick. Her grandson is a dick. Her grandson's mother is a dick. Her grandson's mother's boyfriend is a dick. And the guys who hang out at the rundown motel where her no-good junkie son spends his free time? Dicks, one and all.

Rebecca DeMornay surrounded by dicks. Now that's must-see TV!

Dick Jason sez, it's an honor just to be nominated.